Stuck between a rock and a hard place...

I don't know what to do with myslef anymore. All your life you grow up being taught to be 'who you are' be 'yourself'. But when you do exactly that.... You get judged? I just don't get it. They tell you all of this but then expect you to be exactly how that want you to be. Well I am sick of it. I am sick and tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. I'm putting my foot down. This is me. Alison Kate Leatham. I make mistakes...but I learn from all of them. I have a belly ring. I have a tattoo. I don't attend church. And no, I'm not just "going through a phase". I was "going through a phase" from the age of 12-18. I don't eblieve in the gospel, so I'm not going to pretend that I do. Everyone tells me that I am doing this because I want to have fun with my life but feel like I can't while I am involved in the gospel because of the standards and rules. They think I am bein this person because its 'easier'?? NOT EVEN CLOSE! It would be SOOOO much easier if I believed in the LDS gospel. The people who do are happy and knwo what they want in their life. They know their purpose. I wish I believed because then I wouldn't be where I am right now. I wouldn't be confused with who I am and where I am going in my life. One thing though... I'm not booting this gospel out just yet. Right now I am just taking a step back to see what I believe and not what I have been taught to believe. I need to find it out for myself. So right now I am seeking. I'm looking. I'm searching. I'm waiting. Patiently.